(The crowd have signs saying "Bye bye tDDD!" and "Maybe We'll Meet Again!" and "Probably Not Though!" The Arena has streamers and banners saying "Have a Great Retirement tDDD!" The crowd is loud and the commentators this evening are "Mr. Mat" Johnny Bonnaducci and the Doc.)
Well folks, we are here for the final showing of the Doc's Defiant Degenerates, tDDD5! With me tonight is a wrestling legend, "Mr. Mat" Johnny Bonnaducci, how are you Mr. Mat?
Mr. Mat is fine, thanking you for asking Doc. As Mr. Mat looks around the Arena this evening, he sees the desperation on the fans faces, Mr. Mat knows the feeling that tDDD has in the FCoGW.
Yeah? What feeling's that, Johnny?
Mr. Mat to you, and uh, Mr. Mat doesn't know. It just sounded like something good to say. Y'know?
I sure do, Johnny, toni...
Mr. Mat!
Hey, I'm your boss, I'll call you freakin' Reginald if I damn well wanna, got it, Reginald?
Yeah Doc!
Better! Tonight's show is a complete ripper of an event. In order to make tDDD5 a real special something, the Facical Confederacy of Gimmick Wrestlers celebrates it by the taking of the new FCoGW Blue Blazer Hero.
Wow, Mr. Mat thinks it'd be a real honour to own that belt, even if it means wrestling for nine million years.
Damn right, Johnny. Whoever takes the belt this evening will be remembered forever in the hearts of fans everywhere. There ain't no doubt there.
First up, we has the Main Event contender's match, between the Bullseye Kid, Ken Chop-Chop, Daniel "Ice" McAfferson, Jean-Pierre and "Vegas Venger" Vinnie Smythe.
Followed by the Big Duke against bLaCk KnIgHt, then Alex Wood wrestling Dark Sigh before the Haughty Troupe defend their titles against the Jobbin' Duo.
And of course, the main event with the Mighty Ice Cream Guy and whoever wins the first match of this evening.
In that first match, you have one minute to execute your finisher before the next wrestler comes in, you eliminate your opponent by executing your finisher on them. The first two wrestlers take on each other, if the next wrestler executes their finisher on either wrestler, they're both disqualified.
Ain't that a bit harsh, Mr. Mat thinks that you're a real dictator when it comes to the matches.
Then shut up and respect me before I make you take on the Big Pimp Daddy.
Mr. Mat would like to take those last few words of his back. Mr. Mat don't wanna tangle with the number one man here.
We're about to start, due to language difficulties, we got Jesse Springer a speech instructor, listen carefully.
This match is set for weird rules, finisher elimination. The five wrestlers for this evening are the Bullseye Kid, Ken Chop-Chop, Daniel "Ice" McAfferson, Vinnie Smythe and Jean-Pierre. The first two competitors are Jean-Pierre and Ken Chop-Chop.
DING! DING!
They don't lock up, Ken Chop-Chop snuck a chair in the ring, he smashes Jean-Pierre over the face! C'mon, that ain't legal, you gotta be kdding me ref! He'll be reffing in the WCW next week.
Watch what you say Doc, they might sue you!
Dammit, I could by them three times over, Chop-Chop up on top of the turnbuckle, he screams at the crowd, they roar with delight as Ken Chop-Chop executes the Flying Sumo Slam!
Mr. Mat stands here amazed folks, the turnbuckle launched Chop-Chop into the air, and he proceeded to hit Jean-Pierre with a 720 degree moonsault, also known as the tumbleweed. Only two wrestlers have done this move before, Paul Player from the LOL and some guy from another federation, whom Mr. Mat will not say, but has something to do with titans of sport.
Nicely put Mr. Mat, and the FCoGW acknowledge the brilliant work that the LOL has done for wrestling, and wishes Jim Farmer all the best in future endeavours!
Here, here! Chop-Chop screaming at the crowd but doesn't hear Jesse say...
Opponent three, "Vegas Venger" Vinnie Smythe!
...so Vinnie Smythe just pounds him with the Gamble.
Wow, that was terrific! That move impresses me everytime, I can't say that enough. That crucifix turned over-the-shoulder powerbomb is brilliant, I've never seen anything like it!
Mr. Mat has, that chair to the face that Ken gave Jean-Pierre!
That was a cheap shot and you know it!
But, dammit, Mr. Mat thinks it was a well selected move, Jean-Pierre shoulda seen it coming!
Opponent four, Daniel "Ice" McAfferson!
Ice steps from the apron to the ring floor. He attacks Vinnie with a facerake. He tries to lift Smythe up for a vertical suplex, but Smythe reverses it, he sets up McAfferson for the vertical suplex, and wham! Wow, that was great!
Bah, okay at the most. It was rather small if you ask Mr. Mat, and Mr. Mat doesn't care if nobody did!
I don't even remember talking to you at all!
The first thing you said, Mr. Mat remembers, was "I bought the GOWD and you're fired!" Don't you worry! Mr. Mat never forgets.
Quit your whinging, I gave you another job didn't I? Damn whinging retard!
Leave Mr. Mat's mental stability out of this thanks!
Sorry, it was uncalled for. Smythe lifts Ice over his head, but Ice falls back further than the Venger can afford, and there's a reverse bulldog. Smythe's head goes right into the knees of McAfferson!
Extremly different reversal there, don't you think?
I've never seen anything like it, but there's no denying that it could happen.
It just did.
What did?
It did.
Oh, it did!
Yeah, it did.
Oh, McAfferson with a figure-four sleeper, and Smythe's body weight puts the man to sleep.
Opponent five, the Bullseye Kid!
The Bullseye Kid probably the best Alliance Hero we've ever had, he enters and whips Ice into the ropes, but Daniel reverses it and sends TBK into the ropes.
Stupid move by McAfferson, he bends over for the scoop up, but TBK slows down and gives McAfferson a spinning DDT, the intention!
Well, that was probably the worst decision that a wrestler's made, he could have gone on to win the belt.
Ah, to be young and stoopid!
Uh, you're twenty-four, you're still young.
Don't call Mr. Mat stoopid!
You read my mind!
Here's your winner, the Bullseye Kid! He will proceed to fight Steve for the FCoGW Blue Blazer Hero in the Main Event.
That was extremely ordinary by...
(The Arena Maxiview fuzzes and then appears that Masked Man again. He has the Blue Devil tied to a chair behind him.)
...What in the Doc's name is going on here?
God.
Yes, what?
No, no, God's name.
Yeah, that's what I said.
No, Mr. Mat hear... Never mind what Mr. Mat heard, what's this guy doing back?
Masked Man: There is no denying the stupidity that the New Force has, can't even look after a simple female.
That's Blue Devil behind him, what's she doing with him?
Mr. Mat doesn't think that she's with him, unless she's a really weird girly!
She is from college you know.
Then, Mr. Mat doesn't know what's going on here.
MM: You see here, Blue Devil, from your elite stable, we have nobody knowing what's going on. They're too worried about pimping than looking after one another. That must end here.
What on earth is he talking about?
MM: The history of the GOWD has come back to haunt you Doc, you let the Haughty Troupe stay, but very soon, the old hands at the game will return, and you and your corporate stables will find that it takes more than money to win, it takes strength and class!
(The screen fuzzes and then goes blank.)
Mr. Mat thinks that this guy has a little class about him.
The Doc is confused, he doesn't understand one thing that guy was talking about, do you?
Mr. Mat thinks that the old forces from the GOWD are coming back to haunt you, probably the best move that this fed could ever make!
I don't know who it could be, I mean, I signed two contracts to men in masks, maybe they're from the GOWD. But I can't think who they are?
This next match is set for one-fall. First, from Memphis in Tennessee, weighing in at 386 pounds, representing the New Force, bLaCk KnIgHt! ("Black Night" by Purple Haze plays as bK walks out with Lucy Lawless, she has security guards all around her. bK jumps onto the apron and over the ropes.)
He looks both pumped and worried!
Very understandable!
And his opponent, from Phoenix, Arizona, weighing in at a weight of 360 pounds, accompanied by Nitsuj Yssov for different reasons, the Big Duke! ("Fat Bottomed Girls" by Queen plays as Big Duke steps just outside the door. He gives everyone a stare and then looks to the left and gives the Duke's eyebrow. He walks along the runway and steps through the ring ropes.)
Mr. Mat thinks that the Duke has gotta be angry!
Man, do I smell a rip off?
Dont' blame Mr. Mat if you s@#t yourself!
I meant as in gimmicks!
Mr. Mat would be rocked if he knew!
Hmmm, anyways, the Duke and bK chat. bK doesn't want to wrestle the Duke.
DING! DING!
The bell rings, but bK is talking to the ref saying he doesn't want to wrestle. Big Duke is telling him to step up, and take him. bK has his back turned to the Duke.
What a sissy! There's no way you'd catch Mr. Mat not wanting to wrestle someone if Mr. Mat knew them or not!
You didn't know anybody, everybody hated you!
Mr. Mat thinks that you smell real bad and tha...
What? You're ripping off TBK now?
Mr. Mat told you he didn't fart!
But I... Uh, stupid heels! Big Duke sick of this, he gives bK a DDT. Great DDT, right on the crown of his head, bK is so dazed he doesn't get up. Big Duke stands over him and takes off his glove! Yes, do it! Do it!
This is the most electrifying move in the FCoGW to date!
He throws the glove into the crowd and they fight for it. Choke slam by the fat lady onto that thirteen year-old kid, but he gets up and kicks her in the.... My, my, that's no lady! Gross, get her out of here!
Mr. Mat remembers that the ladies never had one of those in his day, that could not have been a lady, unless she was from Toronto!
Duke bounces off one rope, then the other, he pretends to chug down a beer right above bK's chest and then, bam! Elbowdrop to the heart, bK is hurt by the Duke's elbow!
That wasn't so great, it was pretty damn crappy if you ask Mr. Mat.
But nob...
Nobody did! Yeah, yeah, yeah, Mr. Mat has heard it all before.
Cover: 1...2...3!
Stupid signing by you. There's no way that could have warranted to be a match in any fed.
Do you want me to arrange it so the next pay cheque you get is from Social Security?
Ah, kill it! Sorry, Doc.
Better! Just looking for that official word and...
Here's your winner, the Big Duke!
Mr. Mat thinks that this next match is a complete and utter no signing, if you asks him, and Mr. Mat still doesn't care if you never asked him. Mr. Mat don't care in the least.
That's okay, well, we're about to start the next match, here's Jesse.
This is set for one-fall, weighing in at 467 pounds, from Transylvania, accompanied by Tina, Dark Sigh! ("Spawned Again" by silverchair plays as the lights go out and Dark Sigh walks out behind Tina. She walks with a candle in her hand, Dark Sigh follows slowly. They enter the ring, Tina blows out the candle and lightning flickers before the lights come on.)
And his opponent, weighing in at 314 pounds, at a height of 6 feet and 3 inches, representing Hawaii Five-O, Alex Wood! ("F@#k the Police" by NWA plays as Alex Wood races out. He bolts down the runway, he stands up on the turnbuckle with his back to the fans, he bares his bum to them. Huge pop!)
Mr. Mat says that there is no denying the popularity of that man, Alex Wood.
No way known, Big Al' Wood is probably the biggest star in the FCoGW today, and I really cannot deny it, no.
DING! DING!
They lock up and Alex Wood whips Dark Sigh into the ropes, but what the Hell is that funeral music playing for?
Mr. Mat is one really confused puppy, Mr. Mat is wondering which end is up. Here's that Masked Man, he's got a mike with him.
Masked Man: Alex Wood, leave now!
What we just saw here, some guy in a mask tells the toughest guy here to leave, and he does. There's something fishy. The ref is counting out Alex Wood, the Masked Man has left also.
Mr. Mat don't understand this, not one little bit, no way.
I've just had word from the back, the Jobbin' Duo won't face the Haughty Troupe, so the Vegas Connection has taken there place, and our main event has been switched in places with the tag title defense.
Mr. Mat ain't that smart, but Mr. Mat damn well knows when somehting ain't right, he can smell a rat.
S%^t, I payed that exterminator thirty bucks to get rid of the rats, he said one got away, could have been hiding in the drinking water, but he wasn't sure.
(Mr. Mat spits out his water and throws away his glass.)
Dammit, you could have warned Mr. Mat earlier. Ptui!
Well, here's our match for the FCoGW Blue Blazer Hero.
This match is set for one-fall, from somewhere in Alaska, weighing 202 pounds, not representing anyone, Steve, the Mighty Ice Cream Guy! ("Pop Goes the Weasel" plays as it would if played from an ice cream truck. Steve comes out hurling ice creams into the crowd. Some lady throws one back so he jumps in the crowd and slaps on a choke hold. Security breaks it up and Steve enters the ring. Icy slips in through the backway.)
And his opponent, from Detroit, Mi...(A piece of paper is handed to Jesse Springer.)...Uh, sorry folks, the Bullseye Kid will not come out for his match against the Mighty Ice Cream Guy, therefore making Steve the first ever Facical Confederacy of Gimmick Wrestlers Bluuuuuuue Blaaaaaaazer Heeeeeero!
What the heck is going on here? I demand an answer!
Uh, you're being screwed over by some guy in a mask!
I'll give you screwed over in a minute Vanity Smurf, Mr. Mat this, Mr. Mat that! What's going on? What the f@#k! Bring on the next match, who gives a f@#k!
Mr. Mat thinks you need an aspirin for that period pain.
The Doc thinks some heads are gonna roll, so just shut your f@#ken mouth!
This match is for the FCoGW Tag Conquerors belts, first, from Las Vegas, at a combined weight of 622 pounds, representing the New Force and accompanied by some whores, Big Pimp Daddy and "Vegas Venger" Vinnie Smythe, the Vegas Connection! (Slutty disco music plays as BPD and VVVS come out with a few whores. One on each arm. They do some crappy dance to the crowd's delight, then send the whores out into the crowd.)
Oh man, Mr. Mat hopes one of them comes over here so Mr. Mat can pin them to that mat! If you know what Mr. Mat means.
Oh gross, don't say that again!
And their opponents, weighing in at 509 pounds, the Bullseye Kid and Munchy Man, the Haughty Troupe! ("Italian Leather Sofa" by Cake plays but is cut off halfway through. Some funeral march is played again. Two men walk out with staffs. They have black robes on, disguising themselves to the crowd. Then one man walks out, he wears a white robe. Then the Masked Man follows close behind them all.)
Oh man, I think I just s$%t my pants here Johnny.
Think? Mr. Mat knows he did!
(The two in black robes hold the ropes apart, the guy in the white robe steps through. He has a mike, the Masked Man steps through and just stares at the Vegas Connection.)
Guy in White Robe: You were all warned, you all ignored my threats. Beware I said, now, the time has come, the of the Ministry of Degenerates. Your past Doc.
Oh man, here's the big plan that this masked freak has setup for me. I'm gonna die, I know for sure.
Just don't splatter blood Mr. Mat's way, this is a new Pierre Cardin suit ya know!
GIWR: Now we reveal ourselves to the wrestling world once more. Man number one, the Masked Steroid Abuser!
(The masked guy behind them rips off the black tracksuit to reveal a red suit which has the monogram of a big syringe on both sides. He has string tied around his arms just above the elbows. He wears a white mask which also has a syringe on it, it's right between his eyes.)
GIWR: The Haughty Troupe!
(The two guys in black robes in front throw off their robes to reveal the Haughty Troupe, TBK and Munchy Man.)
GIWR: And finally, to finish off the Ministry of Degenerates, myself, Da Bomb!
(He throws off his robe to reveal a black Olympic style wrestling costume, "That's Da Bomb" is written in yellow on the back of his suit. He wears a black mask, on the top of his mask sticks out a little burning wick, which never seems to burn out.)
GIWR: Doc, you stand here before the Ministry of Degenerates, the Haughty Troupe, the Masked Steroid Abuser and Da Bomb. Here to take over your federation, but we aren't gonna wreck it or nothing, are we fellas?
(They all shake their heads.)
GIWR: Now that's settled, Jesse, reintroduce the lads huh?
Righto, and their opponents, representing the Ministry of Degenerates, weighing in at a combined weight of 509 pounds, accompanied by the rest of the Ministry, the FCoGW Tag Conquerors, the Bullseye Kid and Munchy Man, the Haughty Troupe! ("Italian Leather Sofa" plays as the two bounce off the ropes whilst the other two members of the Ministry leave the ring and stand on the apron.)
Boy, did nobody see that one comin' or what?
Da Bomb? The Masked Steroid Abuser? The Ministry of Degenerates?
Shock?
Shock? You think? Here I am, minding my own business when some past superstars just come in and take over, you know what I think of that?
What?
I should have had some t-shirts made up of the Ministry of Degenerates to sell after tDDD5. Dammit, I should be a little more alert.
Mr. Mat thinks you're a miser, you're already selling t-shirts of that popcorn selling kid.
Hey, that kid's got style.
Mr. Mat's chimpanzee has more style than that!
You got a chimpanzee?
It's a figure of speech from Brooklyn.
Oh, well the Bullseye Kid is in first and in control over the Big Pimp Daddy, he has him in the corner of the ring, and he's punching the absolute crap out of the Global Champ!
The ref warns 'bout the fist, must be an open hand he tells TBK, TBK gives the ref an open hand to the side of the head, ref gets the picture.
Man, that's cheek and a half. Takes over my show, then slaps around my refs! I hate these guys!
Mr. Mat thinks that you are pathetic and should get some real thinkings, these are the two greatest heels of all time, Mr. Mat sees the genius of the Haughty Troupe!
Mr. Mat is also a few beers short of a six-pack!
Six-pack? Who's got a six-pack?
Oh brother! Munchy Man joins TBK in the ring, double Irish Whip into the ropes, followed by a double running clothesline that sends the Big Pimp Daddy over the ropes. TBK quickly on the top rope and hits BPD with a springboard plancha, MM does the same.
These Haughty lads are truly spectacular, not only can they wrestle, they can be mean too!
Vinnie Smythe goes to help his partner, and gets DDTed by the Masked Steroid Abuser, who proceeds to pretend to jab a needle in his arm. The crowd boo him. He looks a little confused.
Mr. Mat remembers that this lad was an elite face, he was the poopiest wrestler there was.
Do you mean popiest as in the most cheered for or the poopiest as in crappy!
Who cares?
Well, anyways, he looks confused so he chats with Da Bomb. The Bullseye Kid lifts up the Pimp and slams him on the guardrail, he then lifts up Vinnie and slams him on the guardrail.
Well now, the Vegas Connection are out cold. Munchy Man leans over the railing and swears his head off at the Biggest Pimp around.
If he could do that with a chicken, he should go into the circus or makes friends with Ellen Degeneres!
Mr. Mat thought that wasn't humanly possible.
What for someone to look like Ellen Degeneres?
Mr. Mat says yuk!
BPD back up and holds his head, he punches Munchy Man in the face. Then slams it on the guardrail. He makes his way for the ring, the Masked Steroid Abuser attacks him, and wham! The crowd roar with with sheer delight!
Reverse neckbreaker by BPD, now Da Bomb attacks BPD and he cops a knee to the groin! Ouchy wawa!
Ouchy wawa? Didn't you read your contract?
Mr. Mat read it, why?
Clause number 393, section 22a, "I will not use the terms 'ouchy wawa', 'mama help me' or 'I feel like Chicken Tonight'."? Need I need to remind you that another breech of that clause will cause you a suspension.
Dang, sorry Doc, Mr. Mat forgot all about clause 393, section 22a.
Aw shucks, I'm a decent guy, that can be you're first warning, okay?
Mr. Mat thanks you Doc, the Big Pimp Daddy climbs into the ring and TBK whips him into the corner. Follows closely and smashes him into the post, BPD is out cold again. Da Bomb pulls the ref out.
He chats with the ref about kicking in the groin. TBK is given a chair by the Masked Steroid Abuser. Wham, bam, thank-you Abuser, BPD is nearly in a coma.
Yeah baby, get that thing goin'! Mr. Mat sees that these two wrestlers, the Bullseye Kid and Munchy Man are the most elite heels there is, ever was and ever will be!
Have I heard that somewhere before?
Mr. Mat thinks you've been watching way too much cable T.V.
You're right, TBK covers, 1...2...3!
You could have counted to thirty six!
Why thirty six?
It was a randomly selected number, okay?
Here are your winners, and still the FCoGW Tag Conquerors, the Haughty Troupe!
Well folks, I hope you enjoyed the last ever of the Doc's Defiant Degenerates, it was number 5!
Mr. Mat thinks it's a damn shame, but when you gotta go, you gotta go! Night gang.
See you next time folks.
The Facical Confederacy of Gimmick Wrestlers
This has been a presentation of the Facical Confederacy of Gimmick Wrestlers, Copyright 1999. http://rivendell.fortunecity.com/spell/240 is our URL!